神の定められた時と道にしたがって飛び続ける

キリストの弟子として生きる人にも、それぞれに試練が与えられるかのように思える。一つひとつの出来事を乗り越えていく過程には、失敗談もあれば自慢できるような話しもあり、それぞれの経験を通して、各自の学ぶべきレッスンを習得していくのだろう。

ひとりよがりの判断をしたり、人の心を読みそこなったり、見通すことができなかった人の善意や悪意に一喜一憂したり、自分の能力の限界を感じざるを得ない立場に直面したり…人間として生きるうちには、心が傷つく思いをする数々の経験を避けて通ることなどできないのかもしれない。とはいえ、胸が裂けるような苦しみを乗り越えてこそ、人は強くもなっていく。こうした過程を歩んでいるとき、心の支えるになるものは、十字架にはりつけにされたキリストそのものともいえる。

自分ひとりでは、ゴム風船のように針のひとさしで裂けてしまそうな、はかない身であるからこそ、いつもそっと見守るようにして、自分の進むべき道へと導いて下さっているのは神の愛に他ならないと自覚せざるを得ない。

I Shall Fly in God's Time and Way

In my life I encountered some sufferings and pains as well as happiness and joy. There are stories of both success and failure. The experiences in life taught me my strength and my limitations.

There are relationships which helped me to grow and know what happiness means. There are relationships that causes me great pain. During the years as religious has been a time of my personal growth in the middle of trials and confusion. It was also a time for true friendships to develop. I saw myself as vulnerable as a balloon against a nail sticking out from a board on a bridge. I was like a balloon that was tossed from one bridge to another and was barely managed to hang on. Sometimes I felt as though someone was trying to hit a nail with a hammer. Somehow, I have survived only having a crucifix as a reminder that I am a follower of Christ, who ended his life on the cross. My skin must have gotten tougher and tougher. Through these experiences, I got better with hiding my real emotions. I cannot deny my feeling that I was not being accepted for who I am by the community in which I belong. At sometimes I recognized myself losing all control over my life in the name of obedience. I was willing to compromise and conform to the expectation that was placed in front of me. On the other hand, I knew that a part of me was resisting to the pressure and wanting to take off my mask to show to others my true self.

I kept reminding myself that God I know is a God of love, mercy and compassion. It is God who still holds a guiding light in my life. And it is I who has a responsibility not to lose sight of that light.